i can't believe i had my finger in that
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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