he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
