she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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