I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
