it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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