How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
