Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
