we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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