and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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