Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
