I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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