But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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