I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
