I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
