I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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