3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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