Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
