Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
