happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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