There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
