Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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