I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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