he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh god it's open bar.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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