You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
