i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
