i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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