i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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