I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Randomize
