Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
