I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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