my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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