hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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