Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
