Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
