i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
