remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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