There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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