seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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