She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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