hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
