I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize