i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
