does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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