there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
