I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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