life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
