final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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