Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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