WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So vagazzling was a success
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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