She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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