You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
