if you like me you must not know who I am
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
