i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
