I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
