Someone shit on the floor
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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