Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
