he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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