Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
