life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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