She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
