Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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